Too Cold, Too Cold

Is there a price you can put on irony? Is there a numerical value you can assign to the smile, wink and nod? Can you put into currency that moment when eyes lock, and you give a smirk signalling "I have much better taste than that, but I bought it just so I could have moments like the one I'm having right now."? For me, that price is $19.99, for that is the amount I paid for the nu-metal experimentation of Rob Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice.

It takes a lot of balls to do what our man Vanilla did, shunning his bad 80's hip hop roots, turning himself into a Child of the Korn, complete with Adidas track pants, dyed blonde hair, and the application of sleeves worth of tattoos. His brilliantly titled album "Hard to Swallow" is the musical equivalent of a flaming bag of dog shit. Attention grabbing, and ultimately, to be smeared on the shoes of anyone stupid enough to mess with it. Unfortunately, in this case, I trod in it, in hiking boots, with intricate, undulating soles, with many little cracks and crevices.

To his credit, Vanilla doesn't take himself too seriously, his first single in his rebirth, is a cover....of himself! Too Cold is the nu-metal version Ice, Ice Baby, which means in the 15 years he took off, out of the limelight, he couldn't pen a better tune. How fucking sad is that? Knowing that Side 1, track 1 of your first tape was to the the pinnacle of your creativity. He gives it a good go though, down tuned guitar, guttural growl, he must have been to Jon Davis' day camp. He almost pulls it off, and by almost, I mean, misses by miles. The lyrics that were on the tip of everyones tongue in 1991, and for some (me included) have been ever since, just don't stand up.
Nu metal isn't about "slicing like a ninja" or selling rhyme by the gram. Its supposed to be about how angsty he is, and what poor role models his parents were, and on the rest of the cd, he gives it a good go, spewing forth about all of his sex and drugs and how hardcore he is. Unfortunately, I can't get the shaved eyebrow, starring role in "Cold as Ice," sparkling pants, and touring with MC "Can't Touch This" Hammer out of my head. As an aside, how awesome would that tour have been for an 11 year old? The superpowers aligning and producing an all singing, all dancing, sequined, parachute panted spectacle of near biblical proportions. Wow.

So, poor old Ice, trying to be taken seriously as an artiste. His past precedes him, so now whatever he does, whenever someone buys his cd, it will be with a wink and nudge. Assholes like me will belittle his craft and mock his hard work. Although, I think he may have the last laugh. He took my money, and I'm still trying to scrape my shoes off on the grass.