The Most Fantastical Hospital Story Ever

Is any day working in a major hospital, "just another day?" Probably not...case in point.

Mr. X has grown weary of getting up and going to the toilet, he no longer wants to pad the much travelled route between arm chair and porcelain, he casts his mind to those lucky bastards in the hospital, the ones with the tubes, that can just lay there, and piss. Suddenly, it comes to him, eureka! He'll create his own tube, his own catheter, out of something, but what? We've already established that Mr. X isn't exactly a go-getter, the man has grown tired of walking to the toilet, so he embarks upon a quest, to find something worthy and also laying around the house.
As if by fate, as he was clearing out the junk drawer, he came across a Bic pen, one of the clear plastic ones, where the ink can be pushed out, leaving you with....you guessed it...a clear plastic tube. Genius!
So, through gritted teeth, perseverance of will, and a previously unseen 'can-do' attitude, Mr. X eased the tube up his urethra and towards the golden treasure stored in his bladder. Slight problem. The male urethra can be up to 20 cms long, a standard Bic pen is not. Back to the trusty junk drawer, which produces a SECOND clear Bic pen. Mr. X, through increasingly gritted teeth, uses the second pen as a ramrod on the first tube, thrusting it furthur and furthur up his urethra. Success! Fluid began to run down the tube and out, but not the fluid he'd hoped - blood was pouring from the tube, staining the carpet and causing Mr. X much consternation. He now realised how poor his idea was, and decided that it was time to get the tubes out, sharpish. Unfortunately, they were so deeply embedded in his raw, bleeding member, that he couldn't just pull them out. Instead he took the more direct approach, grabbing his Exacto knife from his tool belt, he closed his eyes, and looked to the heavens.
Mr. X presented in the Accident and Emergency Department, where he was found to have two Bic pen tubes stuffed up his urethra, and his penis gutted and fileted like a fish.


Epilogue: Mr. X was taken to the operating theatre where the tubes were removed, the surgeons commented that the incision that he made with the Exacto knife was so good that they used it as the basis for their incision and retrieval.