I Hope Saturday Never Comes Again

Everyone has it. The DVD or video lurking in their collection that they are truly embarrassed to own. The one bought on a whim, never seen, watched once, and never watched again, banished to the back of the entertainment unit. Back there with the VCR users manual, Woolco brand blank tapes, and a VHS tape of Deepak Chopra. I'm quite sure that massive entertainment conglomerates are well aware that they're putting out crappy products, that these movies will be watched once, and then cast into the abyss. I'm also quote sure, they don't care, the money has been spent, it can't be taken back, no matter how hard we wish.

My little nugget unsurprisingly enough, was purchased from a grocery store. Now, right there, alarm bells are going off in my head as I write. What the hell was I thinking? Who buys DVD's from a grocery store? Well, apparently, I do, and I've lived to regret it ever since. Please, walk with me, as I lead you through the train wreck that is....When Saturday Comes.

When Saturday Comes is hands-down the worst football movie I have ever seen. Period. Full stop. In fact, it might be the worst sports movie ever. It has a special place in the ninth circle of cinema hell- alongside Buffalo '66, Waterworld, and Ishtar - on a pedastal, with thousands of devilish minions brandishing pitchforks and dancing around it. It is pretty much everything I don't look for in a sports movie. Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me explain the premise.

Sean Bean, of television's 'Sharpe' (ask your mom) fame plays Jimmy Muir, the protagonist for this soul destroyer. Jimmy is a hard drinking factory worker that moonlights as Diego Maradona on weekends. He plays footie for a local pub team, and does what all movie star football players do, he dribbles from end to end, past every player, and walks the ball into the net. His job is made much easier due to the fact that he's playing against 50 year old, overweight, extras, who seem to have been directed to run away from the ball at all costs, rather than actually make it look realistic. I'm pretty sure that the bitches Jonathon Brandis (RIP) was schooling in Ladybugs could have taken these opposing pub teams. To illustrate the absolute and utter inanity of this film, during one of these highly dramatic action sequences, a major plot point is made of the fact that the goalie for Jimmy's team is playing with the mud, and lets the ball roll in past him. A grown man. Playing in the mud. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?
Jimmy is a proper mack daddy, not only is he the lord of all he surveys in the Sunday league, he's also managed to get his end away with the "hot" new seceratary at work. I say "hot" because this movie was made in the 80's or early 90's (I hope) and apparently big hair and garish lipstick were in at the time, at least in industrial Sheffield, where the movie is set.
Jimmy seems to be the perfect character, a modern day Industrial Apollo, master of his domain, a real man's man. Not quite. What hero can't have a fatal flaw. Jimmy just happens to have the most dysfunctional family *ever*. His father is the stereotypical hardman, alcohol problems, dodgy mates, smacks about his wife, absent for most of the picture -- obviously the actor knew something most of the other cast wish they had. His mother is an utter doormat, a complete, utter doormat. If the actress even spoke, I'd be surprised, she is completely unmemorable. She must have been protesting about the complete tripe being spouted by all around her. Good on her, I would have too. To rub salt in the gaping, sucking chest wound being inflicted upon the viewer, Jimmy also has a retarded brother. Not retarded like handicapped, retarded like slow, vacant, empty. A metaphor for the entire film really.
So, the scene is set - Jimmy lives at home, crazy family shenanigans, shitty factory job, Pele on the weekend. Unsurprisingly, he gets plucked out of the pub team by a scout and is given a trial and his beloved.....Sheffield United. Ugh.
Now, most people when given the chance to realise their dreams would grab it with two hands and not let go. Jimmy's got everything, a chance to play professional football, a now pregnant girlfriend, everything.....but naturally, seeing as its only about 45 minutes into the movie, he buggers it all up. Instead of training and getting a good nights sleep before the trial, he decides to have a big night out, in a dodgy silk shirt. His big night out with his factory mates, and retarded brother, in an equally dodgy shirt, ends at a local strip club. Send in the gratuitous and completely unnecessary, and slightly unnerving nudity! The stripper is a proper minger, so much so that I think I threw up a little in my mouth while watching her writh over a drunken Jimmy. Although, I'll give the director his due, he does manage to end the scene on a poignant note, with a close up of the Sheffield United club crest.......tattoo on the stripper's ass. Yes, you did read that correctly. Delving new depths my friends, delving new depths.

So, needless to say Jimmy ruins everything. Waking up next to the aforementioned stripper Jimmy finds himself late and hung over. He stumbles to his trial, only to turn out to be rubbish. Why couldn't they have ended it there? I'd have been completely satisfied with the outcome, ah well, too bad son, back to the factory, you don't need anything more than a pub league anyway. Actually, that's not entirely true, as a final kick to the teeth, Jimmy's girlfriend finds out about the stripper, and dumps his sorry ass. Ha! Perfect! End Scene! Cut! Cue Credits! No such luck.
This being Hollywood, James is given an inexplicable second chance where after months of running and training he eventually makes the team. Awwww, well done, makes me go a big rubbery one. This would be really good if the actor portraying Jimmy didn't look thirty-fucking-five. What club, EVEN Sheffield United would waste all this time on an old man such as this? Around now, I was hoping him to suffer a severe shrapnel related injury, ending his career before it began. Anything, just anything to see this man fail, again. No such luck. He buckles down and ends up on the bench for an FA Cup match against the mighty Manchester United. Dun Dun Duuuuuuun. So, Jimmy the Aged is sitting on the bench, no business being there really -he's a piss-head and stripper shagger, but his team are dire and go down 1-0, or 2-0, who cares anymore really. So at the half, his manager decides to give him a go. So what do you think happens? Come on, guess. That's right, Jimmy puts on a superlative performance, after first looking out of his depth. He manages to singlehandedly turn the game around, scoring a hat trick, to win. Can you feel the excitement? Naturally, the team celebrates madly, all the way back to the dressing room, and into the bath. Where Jimmy cock makes its acting debut, more disturbing than Kevin Bacon in Wild Things, and an anteater. My favorite moment was Jimmy getting elbowed right in the face while jumping for a header, whoever the actor playing the opposing player is, deserves a special award for service to the profession. I may have stood up, pumped my fist, and cheered at that moment. I just wish he'd hit him harder.

So, everything falls into place, he gets his girlfriend back, becomes a big star, and somehow manages to turn his family situation around. Oh yeah, there's some overcooked plot line about his brother dying in a mine, and his dad stealing his football programmes. I don't even pretend to know how or why that comes about - its still no excuse for the shirt he wore on the night out though.

So let's see here: Poor acting, check! Ridiculous story, check! Unnecessary Tits, check! Full Frontal Male Nudity, check! Inane characters, check! Any redeeming qualites, Not a Chance!